Sometimes, I hate myself... Not because the world hates me, but because I can sense the disappointment in the stare of the judge. My friends don't understand. My girlfriend doesn't get it either.
I disagree so severely with what my pastor said in Sunday school on Sunday, that as Christians, we should judge other Christians to see whether or not they should be allowed in the congregation. Yeah, without a doubt as Christian men, we should hold our brothers and sisters accountable for the covenant they are taking part in. Free eternity costs your flesh. It costs some of the very things that get you most excited. I am by no means perfect, I just want to do better.

Tonight I feel so unworthy of Christ's forgiveness

To You alone, Christ, I commit myself, please make me do better.

I often ponder, Who am I?, What am I?, Is that really MY reflection?
Lately I have been very discouraged, not by others or problems with life, but by myself. At the end of each thoughtless expression of my mouth, my soul grows a little paler. I feel that I just put the true me in a little box, while my old self goes out to play. Not so much in the way of profanity or sexual immorality, just foolish talk and things that, at least to me, defeat my testimony.
I want to know... Do people really like me? Or are they just convicted to be nice? Do I seem as foolish to everyone else as I do to myself? I need to change. I have to do it this time. I am not going to quit. I can't quit. I am not letting Satan take control of me anymore. I am not going to be a disgrace to my God any more.
I need your help God. I am ashamed of myself for being so ashamed of you. I love you and I know it isn't right to put anything before you. I have been. It's like the moment I take a step away from you, things go bad. My world starts to fall, I lose my steps, I find myself meandering in a maze of blurry darkness. God please help me. Please help Patsy too, with her back Lord, I know that you can do anything. I know that you and only you can heal her completely. It isn't that I don't love her now, I love her with all of my heart and mind and soul, or at least what you will for me to spare for her. I know that it causes her intense pain, aching, throbbing, knotting, wrenching, pain. Lord, I ask in Christs name that you will heal her. That is what you said Jesus, to ask for things in your Name. I love you my brother and King. And thank you Lord for allowing Gayle's tests to come back negative for cancer. It makes me overwhelmingly joyful. I have no words. I thank you for being Real. Not the real that is on TV. Not the real where I can believe in you but not understand that You Are. I Am, I pray that Mike will come with an open heart tomorrow. Please give me the words to say that will help him understand who You Are. I love you God. Please be with my dad who is working in Michigan, keep him and his crew safe and warm. And Help my mother and sister. Help my mother find her way to you when my sister leaves. Let her feel your presence. I love you God. You surely are Good. Help me Lord, to not fall back to my flesh. Help me to step out, from this night forward. Lord, I want to fight on the frontlines with You. Yahweh, El Roi, Adonai, Abba, El Shaddai, Savior, King. I love you. Everything I ask in your name Jesus, I love you, Good night God, I love you. Amen

So I start the second week of college... Classes ok, day off... today is the second day of the second week of college.
Tonight, life seems bland. A flavorless mix of pondering and reality. This is the time when I need to spend with God. I know he is up there. I know he cares. I know he wants to hear from me. I just don't feel like talking.
That is a problem. I feel so empty today, even though I know that there is a God who can actually fill me back up. I have no one to blame but my self. I want to, I need to get more deeply rooted in the soil of Gods word. It will protect me, I will let it shine. Good night